I was thinking about Nev Tillak today, as I do every day. Nev passed away October 31st, 2002. Six years later, I all of a sudden need to write about it because Nev would have LOVED being blogged about.
A friend wrote this one month ago. Today, with the Full Moon coming, it seemed safe to re-read.
“I still think about that summer we all spent together. Do you remember when we all sat in Nev’s room and watched the film he made of all of us at the pool? I remember he projected it on the wall next to his bed and played “Every Day is Like Sunday,” by Morrissey. I remember someone said, “it’s like we’re all dead…” Ironically, Nev was the only one not in the film. I love that song but still have a hard time listening to it. God, I am sooo melancholy today…full moon is coming… Be well my friend”
Here is what I wrote back:
“Nev used to come to LA for certain pop-culture must-sees like Coachella and The Smiths Convention. And I always felt like his “beard” at these things because once he got there he would ditch me to go buy cool merchandise!!! Can you picture that???
SMITHS Convention in Pasadena. Nev gets ready ALL MORNING and is SO MAD that I am not ready yet. He said, “Jen’s cats are just like mama…stay up all night and sleep all day…”
We finally get there and it is PACKED!!! We wait in line and once inside the Pasadena Convention Center EVERYONE makes a mad rush for the middle where all the booths are. I begin to speak to Nev so we can PLAN our stroll around and he is GONE like a gunshot! I can see him disappearing like Buddha amongst the goth kids!!!!!!
Needless to say he turned up a few hours later, completely satisfied with his tshirt, magazine and vinyl purchases and ready to go!! With me driving of course 
Later, I drive him all over the valley in search of Morrissey’s home. We also see Morrissey at the first Coachella. At night’s end, in the parking lot we begin arguing. I can’t remember the argument, just the resolution which sounded like this:
JH: “Nev, this is not even an issue anymore.”
NT: “Yes, Jenn, this is a non-issue!! A total NON-ISSUE!”
JH: “This was never an issue in the first place”
NT: “Right, Jen, this is a total fucking non-issue!”
This carries on until 2am as we drive back to LA and of course Nev HAS TO stop for fast food. “I’ll treat” he says.
To this day I have dreams that Nev and I have been talking and I wake up and it’s 5 AM and I realize that I have been crying in my sleep. Those are the times that I get that he is really gone and not just living in SF where I can’t see him this year but will see him next time. The no next time is the hardest part.”
Those whom we have loved and lost never really leave us. They are in our hearts and minds forever. Especially during the Full Moon and Autumn and on days that feel like Sundays…
